questions too hard to ask

i always wanna know how people think about me, and how are they reacting to the things i'm doing. but i never wanna ask because i fear the answer would be unpleasant to me, so i never ask them...i've been messaging and misscalling this person every morning ever since she left malaysia, and i'm not sure whether i'm bothering her, or i'm comforting her.

but here i am, posting questions to people i know would never get to read...anyway, here goes...
how would you react to misscalls? do misscalls irritate you?
how would you read to my smses? puts a smile on your face? or do you feel i am trying to squeeze myself into your life?
what would you feel when we get to chat? and how about all those offline messages i left? are they irritating and annoying? or are you happy that someone across the globe still care about you?

i really wanna know the answers, but i'm too afraid to face them...

regrets?

once too often i never realize what i have until i've lost them. i only realize there was an opportunity after it walked away. i only knew that people know me after they leave. if it comes back again, i will say what i feel, i will do what i feel and i won't care what will happen. i don't want to regret on not doing anything anymore. if i am to regret, i'd rather regret doing things i shouldn't do.

i won't let the chance, the person, the feeling slip away again. to hell with self confidence. to hell with self esteem! i don't care.

the necklace

if any of you remember this short story, the first character to remember in this story is of course, mathilde. when i first read this story, i felt that she is really demanding too much. why can't she be happy with what she have?

"The girl was one of those pretty and charming young creatures who sometimes are born, as if by a slip of fate, into a family of clerks. She had no dowry, no expectations, no way of being known, understood, loved, married by any rich and distinguished man; so she let herself be married to a little clerk of the Ministry of Public Instruction.

She dressed plainly because she could not dress well, but she was unhappy as if she had really fallen from a higher station; since with women there is neither caste nor rank, for beauty, grace and charm take the place of family and birth. Natural ingenuity, instinct for what is elegant, a supple mind are their sole hierarchy, and often make of women of the people the equals of the very greatest ladies."

she really is something. to think that she doesn't belong to that social class which she was born to is like holding a grudge against fate or luck or something like that. i thought this is just pure fiction and things like these won't happen in real life.

"Mathilde suffered ceaselessly, feeling herself born to enjoy all delicacies and all luxuries. She was distressed at the poverty of her dwelling, at the bareness of the walls, at the shabby chairs, the ugliness of the curtains. All those things, of which another woman of her rank would never even have been conscious, tortured her and made her angry. The sight of the little Breton peasant who did her humble housework aroused in her despairing regrets and bewildering dreams. She thought of silent antechambers hung with Oriental tapestry, illumined by tall bronze candelabra, and of two great footmen in knee breeches who sleep in the big armchairs, made drowsy by the oppressive heat of the stove. She thought of long reception halls hung with ancient silk, of the dainty cabinets containing priceless curiosities and of the little coquettish perfumed reception rooms made for chatting at five o'clock with intimate friends, with men famous and sought after, whom all women envy and whose attention they all desire."

for someone to really suffer, to torture herself with this is ridiculous i'd say. BUT now, i'm going against what i thought impossible. i never knew i will think that i'm born into the wrong social status. but i'm not looking at bareness of walls or shabby chairs or ugly curtains. i'm looking at the emptiness in me and the situation i'm in now instead. maybe the empty heart, the hopeless soul, and the always-so-low self esteem.

maybe all these are caused by comparison? "All those things, of which another woman of her rank would never even have been conscious, tortured her and made her angry." maybe she is comparing with higher ranking people...perhaps some ministers' wife. and if mathilde wants silk and perfumed reception rooms and oriental tapestry, it's self satisfaction that i'm looking for. i'm always comparing myself to other people. i want to live their life. it seems that they are always doing things they like, and they can have things that they want. frustrates me alot!

to see my friends leave one after another made things worse...maybe i'm hoping, wishing, craving too much but i wanna go out from this freaking place too...i want to have things i want...i want to be with people i want...i want to do things i want!! but with the big financial constraint and the level of self confidence i have, i don't think i deserve to have anything i want...all those just won't happen...i can just 'experience' it through my friends who are already out there, tasting every moment that i long to have...

people may think i'm crazy for putting myself into this situation, this predicament, but this is what i want...this is what i wanna do. call me a sour grape but that's what i want...if not for the money thing, i don't think i'll be staying here, i'll be in somewhere else. if not for all these limitations, i won't be so down and moody everyday...
i hope i can outlive this moody thing, this mathilde-situation thing. it's not helping me in any way at all...

ada orang dah pergi

it bothers me alot this time. i can accept people leaving but with the latest departure of another of my friend, i'm really sad...but then nothing i can do coz i supported the 'persuing dream' thing...my fault ar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

friends?

now this got me thinking for quite a while. who really are my friends? the fact that i don't really have much friends struck me hard. all these while, i thought that it's ok to have just a handfull of friends. the important thing is to appreciate them. a few friends would do just as long as they understand me, and i know what they want. quantity didn't really matter to me until just a few days ago..

are friends really that important? to me, they are people who come and go throughout our life, and i should learn to live life and let go of things. but recently, the way i see this has changed. it's like people are meant to have friends in life. the more the merrier perhaps. whenever i log on to those circle of friends' pages i got so worked up i feel like closing my own account. there is this kind of jealousy stuck in me that always remind me of how lame i am. i know comparing myself to others won't get me anywhere, coz no matter how hard i try to compare, it'll just create more negative thoughts about myself. i'm getting a bit emo here, call me a weirdo, who cares?

how do i handle people around me? now that's a big question to me. i am never good in it, and everyone i know sure notice this. how to react when i accept? how to react when i decline? how not to hurt people when what i say will hurt? how to carry myself around people? how not to sound dominant when you wanna be heard? how not to be timid when i'm in a group? and most of all, how not to make myself look so lame? i can't get these answered, and that's why i prefer to have a handful of friends, who know me for what i am, and who accept me for who i am.

but sometimes, i feel that i don't really know who my friends really are. i may say i know someone, but what do i know about him/her? what makes me think i'm his/her friend? and what makes THEM think i'm their friend? it is very depressing to have these thoughts, i know. but it's all part and parcel of self discovery, isn't it?

once too often i question myself about this. but i always end up without answers, and leave the matter to rest until the question resurface itself. maybe i'm a psycho? i need professional help? befrienders perhaps? i don't really care much whether i'm a psycho or not, like any other teenager, i just wanna be noticed!

:(

just got news bout el..she'll be leaving for india tonight... :( aih...one more friend leaving ady...am i supposed to be happy or otherwise? aih..

leavers...

well quite a number of my friends are leaving me, if not already left...going overseas to persue their dream...at times i really don't want these people to leave and i hate myself to support them to leave...hahah at times i just wanna shout at them JUST STAY HERE AND DON'T LEAVE AT ALL! but then it's their life, their dream...and as a friend i don't think i should be so selfish. call me a weirdo or a psycho but i fear loosing friends. seriously i hate it when people i feel comfortable with walk away from my life, or me walking away from my friends' life. i'd hate myself for that. this post is for those who are leaving, or already left...

first of all, all time friend jw. hahah going to meet germs soon yea? i think next year if i'm not mistaken. hahah must really USE this fella cukup cukup when he is in germany...and i'll try my best to use him during the world cup in germany! don't forget your promise yea! you'll cover everything for me except the flight tickets in germany! :p

then hm, who is gonna leave soon...this 15th i think. i don't know how, i don't know why but she seem to be such a nice friend even though i haven't meet her before. i mean i haven't meet her since i know who she is, i saw her before when i dunno who she is...persuing her dreams in manchester...quite a journey for her i think. and i think she's better off in england than being here...lots of reasons for her to leave and it's a good thing that she has her chance to do what she wants...

el, who will be going off to india soon, very soon i think. haven't heard from her for quite a while already and i sure do hope to hear from her soon...the last i heard from her is she is in manipal, malacca...dunno what happened to her already...but at least i know she is doing medic :p

and these are those who have already left for somewhere else..

yz went to US, studying things she don't like...even though she is back home right now i still haven't meet her yet...maybe she's busy with her own agendas? anyway i think she'll be alright there...

el already in the US also...she's really someone i haven't meet before and i sure hope i'll have the chance to meet her...she always sound so friendly!! :(

the last time i met pm in icq, she is in japan, i wonder how is she doing now? studying arts there? well that's a nice place to start for her, since she likes japanese animes...still remember she is crazy bout final fantasy! and that was a long time ago...

that's all i can recall for now...and i've lost contact with a few friends, i dunno where they are or what are they doing now. i do hope things are fine for them. and one more thing, i'm hating myself for supporting them to persue their dream overseas. maybe the biggest thing in friendship is knowhing how to sacrifice my own happiness for my friends' hopes and dreams? i dunno that now, but i do hope they won't forget me all that fast!

back home!

things have been fine these few days! finally got home...kl was really packed during merdeka! the bus was like full of people...full of all those foreign labourers! i hardly had any space to breathe! well that was an experience for me! well here i am, back at home in one piece :p i guess i'll be lazing around or doing house chores for the rest of the holidays :) i'm not planning to do anything. just wanna rest and get my head off books for a breather :p

those things aside, i think i've really neglected my friends during the exam period...some friends which really supported me but i tend to forget them when i'm under pressure :) i'm so sorry...i sincerely apologize to all of you guys out there. there are a lot of things in my mind for a few particular friends...and i hope i get the chance to catch up with them...i guess i've planned for something for the holidays :p i'll do my best to get it done then :)